Office Parties - Get Crazy.

Today we are having an office party at 12:30.  Throw your hands in the aya - wave them from hea to theya!

I have determined that no matter where in the world you work, okay besides maybe the UK, office parties suck.  I say maybe not in the UK because I used to work for a British company and on more than one occasion when I was visiting the motherland, there would be a few get togethers during work hours where the whole office would go down to the Pub and have a few. It's a beer culture and that reduces lameness factor, plus not sitting around an office conference table for a party tends to lift the spirit a bit.  Going back to work after pub parties did suck however.

Anyways, whether you are in the US or Kenya or countless other places, office parties are awkward. Usually you are celebrating some poor soul that either is leaving the company, got pregnant or is having a birthday.  And usually that poor person is forced to serve the cake to everyone, do some public speaking thanking people for coming and getting free cake, and then you have to hang around till the last person dwindles back to their cube when really all you want to do is go back to your seat and be left alone. What more could you ask for?

The office parties here in my office in Nairobi are slightly even more awkward. Most of the time it is to celebrate someone leaving..which is a funny concept anyways. I mean, why don't we celebrate the staff that comes back every Monday for more? Ugh.

Anyways, usually we all gather in the conference room around a gigantic table and we sit there and stare at each other until someone finally starts talking. If you are really important, they will cater it with samosas and chapati and rice. If you are not so important, there will be an office pool to get you a cake. Then everyone is required to say something to the person of honor. We literally have to go around the room and everyone must say how happy they are that you are leaving.  Even if you don't know the person - your comment may end up something like this:
"Beatrice, it has been great passing you in the hallway - you have always shown kindness to me at the watercooler, often stepping aside for me to get my water first. And I'll never forget that time you picked up my print job and brought it to me. We will surely miss you." Next.

Pretty sure we are all in the same boat - mostly here for the cake. I will now show you some thrilling photos of office parties where I currently work. There is an order to this - please pay attention.

First: Sit around the table and look less than enthused. Start thinking of what you will say about the person when it is your turn to speak. Come up with something people have not said yet.

Second: Speaking begins.

Third Step: Make the person of honor (usually the person leaving the company) cut and serve the cake for all 35 people. Note: This person will already be feeling extra awkward and guilty since they are leaving for greener pastures and all you sorry suckers are left in their dust. They may feel a twinge of what we call traitor syndrome. Plus we all now know that they  have been looking for jobs and interviewing during office hours.

Lastly, let the chapati be served!

Now, I need to go and plan what the hell I'm going to say at today's party. Maybe I'll just tell a totally unrelated parable and then sit down with a neutral face and let everyone think for days about how my story could possibly apply to a staff member leaving.

A letter to the mosquito that kept me up all night

Dear shitface,

I'm not sure whether I should thank you or curse you for the fact that I got about 3.5 hours of sleep last night. On one hand, I did get up way earlier than normal and got some things accomplished ...on the other hand, I'm so tired I feel like a beached walrus at low tide today. I can't really move.

You certainly thought you were clever as you buzzed around my ear as I tried to sleep - like a lullaby at Guantanamo.  You were probably laughing at me as I would fling on the lights and jump out of bed to try and kill you, oh but you were all the sudden no where to be found! We played that game...what was it? 5 times between the hours of midnight and 5am? Something like that.
Yeah..there was that one time - about 3:25am, you did a buzz by to wake me up and then you landed on the frame of the painting above my bed and in my sleepy stupor all I could think to do is grab a bottle of facial mist that was by the bed and spray you with it - I got you good didn't I? But apparently you are water proof, you and all your outdoor dwelling nuisance friends. 

All through the night, there I was bundled up in my sheets trying to not expose any unnecessary skin since you already blood fed on the knuckle of my pointer finger (which has blown up to the size of a bratwurst this morning), my elbow, and my left wrist.  At least you didn't get me in the eyelid like your cousin in Senegal that one time - that was bad. Left me looking like Sloth from the Goonies. Bastard.

You think you are so hot like some powerful malaria parasite carrying female anopheles - What you don't know is that I know your species - you're most likely a sad weak little culex, which can't even transmit plasmodium falciparum - loser.  This is Nairobi, you don't carry anything potent in your stinger...maybe west nile but unlikely.  You really have no power over me.

So, enjoy your day, locked in my bedroom, with no human blood cells to suck on -I'll see you later tonight for round two - but this time, you better be damn scared because before the lights go out, you will be mosquito paste squished on my wall, with remnants of your sorry self also on the bottom of my shoe.


xoxo
Lenna
P.S. Oh and um, here's a hint of what we did to your friends in Rwanda when they were causing similar problems. Be afraid.
   

North Korean News and Resume Fun times

Nice blog title huh?

One of the highlights of my job is that when working in an international setting, especially with non-native English speaking countries, you often come across reports and documents that have some pretty funny English.   As a speaker of foreign languages myself, I am sure that I have said some crazy stuff accidentally in another language so I can somewhat relate.  But usually when something's in writing I make damn sure things are grammatically correct. There are enough tools out there these days on the internet that excuses are pretty hard to come by.  

I enjoy funny English so much that a couple of colleagues and I used to get together in one of our offices weekly and look up the North Korean news online just to laugh at the way things were written.  It's crazy - if you haven't read it, you should. It's so formal and censored and it's always about topics such as "great leader visit shoe factory to promote hard work". Always about the great leader Kim Jong IL or other "loved and trusted leader".

Here's an excerpt from a Korean Central News Agency daily news update (Yes, I am a total nerd at heart):

Kim Jong Il put up slogan "Love the young people", pleased more than anyone else with what they have done, and gave the word "youth" to the names of the structures built by them.
The young people in the DPRK loved and trusted by Kim Jong Il are now dynamically bearing the brunt of every difficult and labor-consuming project for building a thriving nation, united closer around the dear respected Kim Jong Un.

Respected leader Kim Jong Il observe funny colorful blow up doll and think to himself, "two legs create efficiency for standing up doll". Great leader gave appreciation to humble assembly line worker for creating colorful blow up doll.     (my North Korean version of what's happening in this photo)

But funnier is the types of things you can find on international CVs and resumes. These were sent to me by a friend that does recruiting for an unnamed international NGO.

 Real examples of how people describe themselves:

-       “a multi-skilled rare pedigree and embodiment of professional humility”

-       “an all-around person”

-       “a beacon for strategic planning in Africa”

-       “…who is very mostly fluent in English”

-       “…become a useful jewel of your organization”

Coup de grâce:

“Objective: To work for a well reputed organization like yours and to take it to the last mile of success through my mind-blowing skills…”

Special Skills mentioned on REAL CVs

-       Driving

-       chatting and playing with small children

-       stationary bicycle riding

-       “being”

-       cultivates Bonsai trees

-       “watching”

-       Organizing welfare activities e.g. weddings, parties funerals etc

-       “things that are social”

Most popular interests/hobbies:

-       Making friends (appeared 9 times)

-       Reading the news (appeared 7 times)

-       Walking (appeared 5 times)

-        

Bonus Qualifications Listed on CVs

In response to the request to “List any office machines or equipment you can use:” 

 (highlights are out of a list of 45)

17. Paper shredders.

24. Paper cutters.

25. Folders.

Enjoy!  I promise to have more interesting content tomorrow :-) 

Feel free to submit a better caption for my North Korean News Photo above!

Mystery Sweater.

On Friday, I found a mystery sweater front and center in my closet. It's red and it has swirls. Let's call it the unknown quantity for now. We know nothing of its importance, origin or its belonging. All we know is that it was NEWLY placed in my closet right in the middle in a high traffic area - and it's not mine, nor have I seen it before in my life.

Who are you red sweater with swirls? And who do you work for???

I'll present the facts for any  help in solving this mystery:
1) Right now I'm living alone (Serg is back in DC), so besides the house keeper (Rebecca), there is no one else that comes in or out.
2) I discussed the sweater with Rebecca this morning and she told me that it is not hers and she has never seen it before. She agreed that she probably hung it in my closet but is not sure where she picked up from in the house.
3) I carried out forensic studies on the sweater and here are the results:

• It has been worn as evidenced by deoderant marks on the side.
• It smells of human - neutral human.
• The fabric is a bit bally showing wear.
• There are no hair strands on the sweater perhaps eluding to a bald unidentified subject/owner. 

4) It was not left by any visitors - confirmed.

Questions left to be answered:
- Who's sweater is it?
- Why is it in my house?
- Was it left by an intruder?
- Did the intruder perhaps trade me for something that I'm not aware is missing yet?
- Who wears sweaters when it's 80 degrees outside?
- What do people in China call their fancy dishes?

If you have any information leading to the solving of the sweater mystery - please contact me.

 (I gotta stop watching Criminal Minds.)